I'm a Geek!!!

Now I've always been a self confessed geek girl, I've never really been ashamed of this fact.
One thing I have been collecting for a little while now are Pop Vinyls. Every month I get a surprise Pop Vinyl from this great website 'pop in a box'.
Every month they send me a mystery pop off of my thumbs up list. These are all the pops that I have said that I wanted. This way you don't receive any unwanted pops.
So far I have received: Thor, Groot, Iron Man, Olaf, Coronation Anna, Dumbldore and Batman dressed as the Joker!!!

Now because I love my collection so much I have a great offer for you. If you click here you will receive 5% off your first box. Doesn't sound like much? Well when boxes start from only £8.95 it really is a great offer. you are actually getting the pops cheaper than retail price and if you order more than one at a time you get them even cheaper!!!
You can also buy pops in the pop store as well so if you cant wait for a specific pop to be chosen for you, you don't have to!!!
So go check it out. If you do subscribe comment what you receive as your first mystery pop!!!!
As always my munchkins
Love Hayley Beth xxx

I've Been Struggling

Right now I feel as though I am of no use to anyone.
Having to struggle with money is incredibly stress full and I wish I hadn't chosen to move out. I know my life wouldn't be as it is now and I wouldn't have met all the friends I have now like James or Aimee or even Ben. But I would never want anyone to struggle like I have these past few months. I try to be strong about it and pretend that everything is ok but I'm really struggling at the moment. Last month I survived off just one meal a day. It caused me to be in an awful mood the majority of the time and I didn't have the energy for anything some days I wanted to just cry and cry but I couldn't is didn't have the  energy to do so.
I know this has put a strain on my relationship at the moment anyone with a brain would have ended it a long time ago but that is what Jack did and I want to be stronger than him. I don't want to give up just because things get a little bit tough.
I realise now I shouldn't have taken my self off of my anti depressants and not being able to afford them was a silly excuse not to go and get them I know my family would have helped if I had let them know what was going on but I couldn't. I need them to see that I am able to live on my own. I chose this life now I have to live it.
Even when I have no food in the cupboard I don't ask for help I know this annoys Ben and he worries about me because of it but I'm just not one who is capable of asking for help. I was raised not to let people know when I have issues to show the world you are strong even if you are falling apart on the inside. And although that is my greatest strength I know it is also my greatest weakness.
I have started to have panic attacks again an I often find my self waking up in the middle of the night crying. I  don't want to be like that again but I don't want to take medication at the same time. I want to be able to pull my self up out of this one.  I will need support but I know that I have a lot of people around me that love and care about me even if I don't always let them in I know they are there.
I'm going to start seeing my family more and I'm going to start eating properly. I'm not going to keep everything so bottled up and I'm going to start opening up to people especially my parents who don't know about me struggling.
I do miss living with them but i could never go back. things are no longer the same any more and they never will be. I tore my family apart. Moving out hurt my mum more than anything in this world and i am so so sorry for that. I know I ruined my relationship with my dad and I hate myself for the fact he barely talks to me any more even when I go round to see him.
I do love my family with all of my heart and I know that moving out was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I made it and I have to live with that.
I guess writing this was the easiest way for me to let people know what was going on in my head at the moment. I hope it makes people see why I have been the way I have for a while now and I am trying to sort my life out but it just takes time to work things out sometimes.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Rolo

Right now I am eating rolos.
Most of you will not understand the significance of rolos in my life but those closest to me will.
Right now I shouldn't be eating rolos.
I should be happy.
I have a new job.
I have started actually dating again.
I should be happy.
But I'm not.


I guess I should start from the beginning.
Jack ended our relationship on what has to be said one of the worst days of my life.
On that same day I went to the doctors.
For a while I hadn't been my self and admittedly I had been self harming.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
The route causes to this have been identified as my abusive ex boyfriend, stress from my previous job and my former bad relationship with my parents.I was put in some tablets but I have been since taken off of them.
After the break up I was in a pretty bad place me and Jack were still talking and one night he asked me to come over.
Turns out he was pretty drugged up but I didn't care because I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me. I thought this was our chance to start over and make amends.
Things happened but when his mum asked if we were back together he was pretty quick in answering no.
After that I felt so low.
I felt as though I was worthless.
As a consequence I rejoined tinder and signed up to badoo.
I started talking to guys and sending them photos I really shouldn't have sent.
I thought it would make me feel better.
But it didn't.
I am so so ashamed of myself.
The people I considered to be friends call me a slut a dirty whore.
I guess that is what I am.
I don't want to be those things though.
The fact it was my friends calling me those things made me think I am an incredibly terrible person.
But I know I'm not that person.
I was silly.
I made a few mistakes but I'm growing now.
I have met someone who doesn't seem to care about my past, who tells me not to listen to the people who call me a slut.
That's why I should be happy.
I am happy i guess.
I have finished my rolos.
I have no more to say.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

worst night of my life

So it is 20 past 1 on Saturday morning and I have just got in from town with my boyfriend and his friends. I saw my boyfriend for all of about 5 minutes tonight and spent most the night with someone I had never met before. I'm going to be brutally honest I'm not going out again I didn't enjoy it, in fact I would have rather stuck pins in my eyes. I usually love going out but tonight was different, when we got to the first pub i was stuck looking after everyone's stuff while they went and danced the same happened in another club. I wasn't able to enjoy myself and it has ruined going out for me completely.
I'm sorry for this rant.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Is It Too Soon?

As many of you know I live on my own. Some of you may know that where I live is a complete shit hole. Because of this I am looking to move out. If you follow me on instagram or twitter you will know about my new relationship. I don't want to say too much but what I will say is that we met on a night out and we have been together for just over a month. I do like him very much and well I hope it goes better than the previous ass holes I have encountered.
The reason I have mentioned him is because one of the options I have been given is to move in with him and his mother. Now don't get me wrong I would freaking love to, I am spending the majority of my time there as it is and me and his mum are getting on like a house on fire. She is teaching me how to cook and we have home and away marathons together.
But is it too soon?
I know everything has gone fast between us but there are some things I want to take slow. By officially moving in I am giving up my own sanctuary where I can run away to when we get too much for each other but at the same time I want to spend every spare minute with him. There  isn't the issue of what if you split up because I'm just going to say it, I don't want to I want to spend my life with him and make a future but I don't want to jeopardise that by moving in.
This will be my only post about him on here as I don't wish for my entire life to be public any more. I have shared things on here that I don't necessarily regret doing but the entire world did not need to know and I  wont lie I did receive hate for it.
Thank you for reading
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Karma is going to bite you in the dick

So recently I decided to get tinder and see what it was all about. This was prompted by seeing how happy my house mate is after falling in love on tinder.
At first I was just using the app to take the piss out of guys and their chat up lines.
But then I met Ben.
I don't know why but he was the only guy I wanted to meet, so I did.
He was a great guy. We geeked out over Harry Potter and messed about. But then he took it too far.
He begged me for several hours. Eventually the pressure got too much and I gave in.
To me sex is incredibly serious, I don't just give it away. What hurt me the most when he revealed his true motive was that he said 'Oh it's tinder what did you expect?'
So just because you meet girls on an app that means to say you can degrade them. You wouldn't do this if you met them in a bar or if you were set up by friends. So what makes it ok? Girls on tinder aren't necessarily sluts. Take me for example, I want to go on old fashioned dates and actually have a relationship. I don't wanna have a quick fuck with someone who has a tiny dick.
I guess what I am trying to get across in this post is that guys please stop treating girls like your little play thing and girls use the three date rule. Or just don't meet a guy unless they are going to actually take you out somewhere. We are worth far better and just because a guy expects you to act a certain way. Break the mould.
Karma will bite Ben on the dick and he will hopefully learn.
As always
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Mothers day

As many of you know I no longer live with my parents. It's great to have all my independence but that doesn't stop me missing my family every minute of every day. This was majorly proven whilst writing my mums mother's day card and my little sisters birthday card this morning.
I cried.
I realised that these sorts of occasions will never be the same. I no longer have the chance to attempt to make my mum breakfast in bed or surprise my sister by waking her up with her presents.
I know I chose to give that up but I can't help but miss that.
Do I regret moving out? No, I don't think so. But that doesn't mean I can't miss my family.
As always and especially to my mum and sister
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Mistakes

I have made far too many. But what I see as a mistake may be different to what you see as a mistake.
For example I don't see sleeping with my house mates friend as a mistake but as an opportunity. The mistake I made in that situation was listening to someone who knows how to manipulate me. Because of that I hurt a great person with a beautiful smile and great gloucester accent lol. I guess I am lucky that said opportunity hasn't ceased to exist completely but I know that he will never fog I've me but at the same time I will never be able to forgive myself. I acted like we'll a bit of a slut/bitch. I hurt someone I really wanted to get to know and who I admitidly cared about.
It sounds stupid but I couldn't stop thinking about him nor talking about him over the next couple of days. I still can't now. School girl crush much lol!!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't put yourself down because society deems it to be wrong, because for you it might just be perfect. Never over think anything because that is what could cause you to make a mistake. I know that is what happened in my case. You can only learn from your mistakes. You may have to make them a couple of time but it will all be worth it.
As always
Love Hayley Beth xxx

An Update on That New Chapter....

So you know how I said I was going to move on and all, well I am back with my boyfriend. I don't know if that is classed as moving on or not but I am happy!!! He will never be able to understand why I have forgiven him for what he did to me and he will probably always feel like he owes me one (which he most definitely doesn't) but we are happy together and in all honesty I think we are actually better than before!!!

So what else is happening? Well I am finally (hopefully) getting out of my dead end job where they treat you horribly and moving up in life. If I do succeed in this I will tell you more about it then.

Now what I am going to tell you next is pretty BIG!!! 
I moved out of my parents house and now I live in the ghetto!!! OK it isn't really a ghetto but it isn't the orange county either. I currently live with a motorbike mechanic and a convict sorry I mean Australian!!! They are great guys and I feel I may have made at least one friend for life!!! I'm not going to lie living on my own is hard learning to budget money and only buy the essentials has been a great lifestyle change. But moving out has also changed my mindset on a lot of things. For example when I do over time at work I now say "well that's a weeks shopping" or "there's some money to go out with". Sad really isn't it!!!

Well that's all I've got for now and I am sorry for not blogging in a long while but I guess I just wanted to live my life with out living on the Internet. I won't  be posting much about my relationship as I don't want others to get involved and meddle.

As always
Thank you
Love Hayley Beth Xxx